


Vodka Cannot Kill a Dragon

by Lecrit



Series: Alec Lightwood's Drunken Adventures [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Drunk Alec, Jace is midly amused, Jealous Magnus, M/M, Magnus is very amused, Swearing, like very drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 09:38:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7097176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lecrit/pseuds/Lecrit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s my bachelor party and you’re my best man,” Jace had said. “You owe me to get drunk.”</p><p>The thing is, Alec doesn’t really drink. He never does. He doesn’t like the way it makes his head foggy and his long limbs out of control. Even with Magnus, who quite surely can hold his liquor, he never goes past one or two cocktails. So, after Jace has managed to shove drinks in his hand time and time again, Alec is not drunk. He’s <em>hammered</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vodka Cannot Kill a Dragon

**Author's Note:**

> My precious cupcakes,
> 
> So... Here's the thing.  
> I blame Twitter people for this, and especially Dev for getting drunk and requesting a drunk Alec fic. Or, more accurately ,and I quote: "GIEV ME A DRUNK@ALEC fic".  
> You asked for drunk Alec so I give you hammered Alec.
> 
> This was supposed to be a ficlet written in half an hour but I have apparently no self-restraint when it comes to writing so it ended up being far longer and it's the last time I listen to drunk Dev. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. Friendly reminder that English is not my native language ;).
> 
> I also apologize for the title. I'm a dork. Sue me.  
> Actually, I apologize for this whole thing. I swear I was sober when I wrote this. Unlike Alec.
> 
> Ps: Russian readers can find a translated version of this work [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4548767).

“It’s my bachelor party and you’re my best man,” Jace had said. “You owe me to get drunk.”

The thing is, Alec doesn’t really drink. He never does. He doesn’t like the way it makes his head foggy and his long limbs out of control. Even with Magnus, who quite surely can hold his liquor, he never goes past one or two cocktails. So, after Jace has managed to shove drinks in his hand time and time again, Alec is not drunk. He’s _hammered_.

His head is spinning and he feels lighter than a feather, like he’s walking on a cloud instead of the dance floor of a club where the obnoxiously loud music would usually repel him and make him cringe. Instead, he’s making his way to the bar to get more drinks because _why the fuck not_ , since apparently he’s already past the point to care. He wishes Magnus was here, not that Magnus would be any help in the current situation. Magnus would most likely join Jace in his efforts to make him drink more. Magnus is ridiculous. _Ridiculously hot_ , his drunken mind provides unhelpfully.

He orders another round of shots because that’s what Jace has sent him to get and gets back to thinking about Magnus. He knows Magnus is having a quiet night in with Clary and Izzy because he was just coming back from an exhausting trip to Europe doing warlock stuff or whatever and he didn’t want to get wasted tonight. Jace didn’t mind. Magnus and he weren’t exactly friends so it was alright for everyone.

Except for Alec. Alec misses his stupid boyfriend and his stupid face and the stupid tan that he caught in Spain that makes his honeyed skin glimmer even more than usual and –

And Alec is rudely interrupted from his lovely train of thoughts when a man drops on a stool next to him and leans forward, smiling at him seductively.

“Hey, young Shadowhunter,” he purrs, a teasing spark in his eyes.

_Young? Alec is twenty-five, fuck you very much._

The man laughs because apparently, drunk Alec has no filter and just said all of that out loud (and think about himself in the third person, everything is fine).

“Twenty-five is nothing when you’ve got eternal life,” he replies with a chuckle.

Alec squints his eyes at him, finally managing to see past the blurry lines. So, the man is actually a Seelie, unless he’s wearing fake pointy-ears, which would just be weird. To be fair, he also has the cunning attractiveness associated to faeries so there’s that.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asks, just as the bartender slams the shots in front of him, quickly moving on to another customer. “Or well, another one,” he adds playfully.

“I have a boyfriend,” Alec says calmly because he’s a clear-headed person.

What actually comes out of his mouth is an indignant “Magnus” yelled at the top of his lungs but the thought was there.

The Seelie does a double take, raising a surprised perfectly curved eyebrow at him. Magnus has nice eyebrows. He wonders what Magnus is doing right now.

“I beg your pardon?”

That sounds pompous to Alec’s ears. He’s sure the words would sound much better in Magnus’ mouth. Everything sounds better in Magnus’ mouth. He stops right there before his thoughts get out of control and mentally high-fives himself for the self-restraint.

“I have a boyfriend,” he actually shouts this time and he can blame the volume of the music still filling his ears instead of his potential drunkenness. He’s totally not drunk. He’s dealing just fine.

“Oh, I’m not the jealous type,” the guys replies, eyeing him up and down shamelessly.

Did that line ever work? Alec wonders inwardly. Like, ever?

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Alec pulls his phone out of his pocket and sends a text to Jace. He’s obviously not going to get out of that one on his own.

 

_JACE! HELP! theres some seelie guy fkirtign with me_

 

The answer is almost immediate, his phone vibrating in his hand and Alec beams at the phone when he sees Magnus’ name on his screen.

Screw Jace and screw that Seelie guy. Magnus is texting him.

**Alexander? Was that word supposed to be flirting?**

_MANGUS! BABEEEEE! I WAS JSUT THINKIN ABOUT U_

**Yes, darling. That’s probably why you texted me instead of Jace. Is everything okay?**

 

Well… Oops.

 

_OF CUORSE._

**How many drinks have you had?**

_Ilm goods I’m a Little drink_

**Clearly. A little? Sounds like a lot to me.**

_I MISS YOUUUU_

**So what was that about a seelie guy flirting with you?**

_YES! JACe! I need ur hepl; but pls don’t tell Mangus_

**I’ll be there in five minutes.**

_THKS_

 

There, all settled. No need to get worried.

The Seelie guy is about to talk to him again when Alec feels a hand on his shoulder. He swifts around, swaying on his feet for a second before he grins at Jace, who’s spinning in front of him for some reason. That’s a weird way of dancing.

“That was quick!” he yells at his brother. “You said five minutes!”

Jace frowns in confusion.

Alec points at the Seelie. “That’s him,” he blurts out, speech somewhat slurred. “He’s flirting with me. I told him I had a Magnus but he’s still flirting with me.”

Does he sound like a child? It feels like he sounds like a child.

He clears his throat and faces the man. “Sir, I have a Magnus,” he announces solemnly in his best professional voice.

Jace snickers unhelpfully next to him. “Yes, he does have a Magnus,” he says with a nod. “You might know him. Magnus Bane? Centuries-old warlock? Quite powerful with an undying love for glitter and fashion? Sounds familiar?”

The Seelie nods once, lips now pulled in a tight line.

“Yeah, well, he’s the jealous type,” Jace adds with a complacent smirk. “So you should probably back off.”

The Seelie guy grumbles something under his breath about Shadowhunters but raises both his hands in defense and slowly steps away from them.

Jace turns to Alec, who is busy downing one of the shots, and nudges at his shoulder. “Let’s get back to the table buddy, alright?”

He follows Jace through the crowd obediently until they reach the table where Simon, who is sipping a Bloody Mary, is nodding his head to the music, gesturing broadly with his hands as he blabbers about comics’ books to Raphael, who looks like he’s about to doze off from boredom.

“Who invited the vampires?” Alec asks Jace.

“We both did,” Jace replies, patting his shoulder in comfort.

He nods in understanding.

“Now sit your ass down, take a shot and shut your mouth,” Jace demands.

Alec obliges, dropping on the booth next to Simon.

“Magnus is very good with his mouth,” he blurts out. “ _Very_ good,” he emphasizes with a dreamy sigh. And then he giggles to himself.

Jace’s face twists into a horrified grimace. “Too much information,” he groans.

“ _Dios_ ,” Raphael chimes in, lips tugging with the beginning of a smirk. “On a scale of one to ten, how drunk are you?”

“Twenty-five years old!” Alec replies loudly. “This is the most I’ve never been. Ever!”

“The most what?” Simon asks, confusion written all over his face.

“Drunk!” Alec exclaims. He looks down at the table and the shots Jace just dropped on it and grabs it with both hands. “How much did this table cost? It’s a cool table. Can I bring it home?”

“No,” Jace replies and Alec feels utterly betrayed. “The stripper is going to dance on that table. We need it.”

“There’s a stripper?” Alec echoes incredulously. “But I have a Magnus!”

“What did you do to my boyfriend?” booms a firm voice to his left.

Alec looks up to see Magnus standing there. He’s dressed in a silk shirt that shows most of his chest and Alec wonders if _he is_ the stripper because in that case, he doesn’t mind. He’s frowning, glancing bewilderedly between Alec, Jace and the vampires.

“Magnus!” he yells enthusiastically. “Are you the stripper?”

His boyfriend’s scowl softens and he chuckles, shaking his head a little. He brings a hand to cup Alec’s cheek, thumb stroking his cheekbone. Alec leans into the touch with an intoxicated smile.

“It’s Jace’s bachelor party,” he replies. “I’m pretty sure the stripper, if a stripper there is indeed, will be a woman.”

“But I’m gay,” Alec whines. “I don’t want to see a woman stripper. I want to see a Magnus stripper. Why can’t you just be the stripper?”

Magnus bites his bottom lip on a laugh and Alec’s eyes stay glued on them. Magnus’ lips are very nice. His boyfriend ignores him, though, turning to Jace instead.

“How much did he have to drink?”

“It’s my bachelor party,” Jace states in lieu of an answer.

Magnus rolls his eyes but eventually nods.

“And what is this about a Seelie guy flirting with him?”

Alec gasps exaggeratedly and grabs Jace’s forearm over the table. “You told him?” he blurts accusingly. “I said not to tell Magnus! Magnus gets jealous!”

“I didn’t tell him!” Jace protests vehemently before tugging his arm out of his hold. “How did you know?”

“He was trying to text you but he texted me instead,” Magnus explains.

“Alec, you’re such an idiot,” Jace sighs, rolling his eyes.

“I’ll have you know I’m a very smart person,” Alec protests. “Except for when I’m drinking… When I’m drinking, I’m stupid. But at least, I’m not heterosexual even when I’m drunk.”

Magnus laughs again, loud and clear, and Alec beams proudly because even though it seems like he might be making fun of him, Magnus’ laugh is the best sound in the universe.

“Hey babe,” he calls out, making grabby hands at Magnus, who gives him a fond smile and takes them in his. “You’re pretty when you laugh,” he declares with a goofy smile. “I want to fuck you.”

“Oh God,” Jace groans whilst Raphael and Simon cackle from their seats. “Please take him home. I’m going to need to bleach my own brain to forget I heard that.”

“Hey darling,” Magnus says softly, running a hand in Alec’s dishevels hair. “How about I take you home, okay?”

Alec rises to his feet and the room starts spinning around him but Magnus catches his waist swiftly.

“Hey,” he murmurs when Alec looks up at him through blurry eyes.

“Hey,” Alec slurs, dropping a sloppy kiss against his lips. “Jace is getting married.”

“I know, darling,” Magnus indulges him.

“Babe, we should totally get married!”

Magnus freezes, his eyes widening in shock and Jace stands up hastily to pat Alec’s shoulder.

“Hey, buddy, you’re very drunk so maybe you should shut your mouth.”

“No,” Alec shakes his head, snapping Jace’s hand away. “We should get married,” he repeats stubbornly. “Right now. Can you marry us?”

“Alexander, I don’t think now is the best time,” Magnus chimes in, shock still written all over his face.

“You don’t want to marry me?” Alec asks, eyes filling with sadness.

“Of course I want to marry you,” Magnus snaps, “but I’d rather do that when we’re sober. If you still want it when you are.”

“I’m sober!” Alec pledges and proceeds to prove that much by swaying on his feet, grabbing Magnus’ arm to anchor himself. “Let’s get married now,” he asks again before he actually thinks about it. “Oh no,” he sighs, defeated. “We don’t have the rings.”

“Well, I guess we’ll have to get married when you’ve sobered up then,” Magnus deadpans, but a small, almost shy smile is tugging at his lips. “Let’s go now, darling. I’ll make a portal in the back alley, okay?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, buddy,” Jace says, patting his shoulder again.

Alec nods and then turns to his brother, grabbing his shoulder too. They probably look weird, both gripping each other’s shoulder but Alec doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about much right now anyway.

“You’re my favorite best friend, Jace,” he declares gravely. “I mean, I’ve got other friends but I like you the best. The others are pretty great too, though. Do you know them? Hey, do you know Magnus? He’s my boyfriend. He’s also a stripper apparently. And I think he’s a model too, cause he’s hot, you know.”

Jace chuckles, shaking his head before he turns to Simon. “I hope you recorded this because I want to watch it every day for the rest of my life.”

Alec doesn’t hear Simon’s answer because Magnus is dragging him towards the exit and he just follows obediently. It might have to do with the fact that Magnus is walking in front of him and he thus has an amazing view of his ass in the skinny jeans he’s wearing.

.

The portal leads them straight into the apartment and Alec lets his eyes wander over the familiar surroundings, an easy smile on his lips. His gaze stops on a painting on the wall. Was that painting there before?

“Do you think I could adopt a dragon?” he wonders out loud, pointing a finger at the canvas. “Or like three dragons?”

“What would you do with three dragons?” Magnus chuckles, hooking his scarf to the coat rack in the hall.

“What wouldn’t I do with three dragons?” Alec counters. “I could do some cool stuff like… killing demons and go grocery shopping by flying on my dragon and you would never be cold because you always get cold and your feet are like ice. It’d be the best fireplace ever!”

“Sure,” Magnus agrees, obviously stiffening another laugh. “Let’s go to bed, dragon-trainer.”

“Are we going to fuck?” Alec asks with an excited smile.

“Sweet Jesus,” his boyfriends mutters under his breath before he replies, louder, “No, darling, we’re not. You’re drunk.”

“But I want to fuck you,” Alec whines, chewing at his bottom lip in a petulant expression.

He’s pretty sure he’s had more efficient pleading expressions before but well, he does what he can with what he has right now.

“Let’s keep that for our wedding night,” Magnus retorts with a smirk.

He pushes Alec towards the bedroom and Alec heaves out a deep sigh but lets him. He drops on the bed as soon as they’re in the room, falling face first in the pillow. He inhales deeply and closes his eyes, filling his lungs with Magnus’ smell.

“Magnus,” he slurs, his drunken mind already drifting off to sleep, “please don’t think bad about me because I’m drunk. I’ll be a good husband. I’ll give you one of my dragons. The prettiest one.”

He feels a hand stroke his hair lightly and he sighs in content at the sound of Magnus’ laugh.

.

Alec wakes up feeling like something has died in his mouth and his head is about to explode. It’s all made ten times worst when the events from the night before come rushing back to his mind.

By the Angel, did he ask Magnus to marry him? He’s so fucking fucked.

His head is throbbing, though, and it’s an almost pleasant distraction in comparison to the memory. He opens his eyes leisurely and closes them immediately for two reasons. One, the light is way too aggressive and who allowed the sun to shine so brightly? Two, Magnus is staring at him with a mocking smirk on his lips, looking fresher than the morning dew and who allowed him to shine so brightly?

“Good morning, my love,” he quips happily.

Alec groans.

“Is that a way to greet your stripper slash model boyfriend?”

Alec turns away from him, burying his head in his pillow. “Please let me die of embarrassment in peace,” he grumbles dramatically.

“But who would take care of your dragons if you die?” Magnus mocks gently, fingers running teasingly over Alec’s naked shoulders. He doesn’t remember getting out of his clothes but he supposes it’s one of the many perks of having a magical boyfriend.

“I hate you,” he mumbles, the words half muffled by the pillow.

Magnus chuckles and runs a hand in his hair. He feels a rush of electricity to his temples and a second later, his headache is mostly gone.

“Okay, I love you,” he admits.

“I love you too,” Magnus replies easily, leaning down to press a kiss against Alec’s bare shoulder and he smiles in his pillow at the familiarity of it. “I’m going for a shower and you should join me because you definitely need one.”

The warm presence in his back is gone and he has to hold back a whine. He did enough of that the night before.

Speaking of, the memory of asking Magnus to marry him is still embarrassingly vivid in his mind but so is Magnus’ answer and he finds himself blushing a little.

“Hey babe,” he calls out when the blush diminishes, pulling his head out of its hiding place. “Still want to marry me?”

“Of course I do, you drunkard,” Magnus replies with a wide grin, winding around to look at him from the bathroom door. “Now are you coming or what?”

Alec rushes to his feet, almost falls out of bed in his hurry and all but runs to the bathroom, Magnus’ laughter a melody to his ears.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr [@lecrit](http://lecrit.tumblr.com/) and on twitter [@_L_ecrit](https://twitter.com/_L_ecrit)
> 
> All the love,  
> L.
> 
> Ps: Part two of the Avengers Initiative coming up on Tuesday!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] I am fire. I am... drunk.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7385938) by [Annapods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annapods/pseuds/Annapods)
  * [LA VODKA NON PUO' UCCIDERE UN DRAGO](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12062175) by [kate_kate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate_kate/pseuds/kate_kate)




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